This is a subject that a lot of people suffer from, I have a lot of experience in this and have always thought that it stems from my depression and my self hate but the more I’ve read and coached people, the more I see a lot of people that seem to have a self destruct button which I call having a “F**k it moment”, especially when things start to go well in my life.
Quick disclaimer first, I am not a doctor or a psychologist. I speak from my own personal and life experiences in a hope that other people can benefit so that they don’t think that they are alone.
Now back to the blog, I truly believe if it wasn’t for my own self destruct button, I would have had the perfect life that I wanted to live a long time ago. When I say perfect, I don’t really mean perfect as living a perfect life doesn’t exist as there is always going to be things that we want or to improve on but the gist is, I would of been a lot further on my journey if I hadn’t had these F**k it moments in my life. However as much as I beat myself up from having these moments, they are what makes me who I am and helps me in my path to understanding human nature and help other people. To me, its accepting yourself with warts and all but at the same time working on eradicating bad habits and trying to become a better human being.
I have always said that I am not a natural nice person, that may sound a bit of an abstract thing to say but I like to think of it as that I am trying to be a nice a person. This probably stems from my self hatred that I clung to for so many years, I try not to analyse myself too much now a days as I think you can spend too much energy trying to figure out why things are the way the are. I think its a better use of time to look at solutions to improvement, saying that, sometimes it may help to know why you do things the way you do so you can work on the solutions.
This blog post will be my normal ramblings because as usual I have started it with no agenda and am just seeing where it goes. What has initiated it, is the fact that I had a bit of a blow out on Friday as it was my 49th birthday. Anybody that has known me for a long time will know that I used to like a drink and letting my hair down, what really calmed me down is the martial arts business side of things. Now a days I know that I can not go to bed in the early hours of the morning and give my best to students that are expecting me to be on top form. Before that I used to wear a proud badge that told everyone that I can party all night, feel like crap in the morning but still manage to train hardcore the next day. . I’ve always said its the best hangover cure you can do! I’m not selling myself very well as a martial art teacher am I? My reason for being so honest is to show people that anyone can get to where they want in life, I have achieved so much and yet, if I was more disciplined and focused, just think where I could be now!
So why do certain people have this self destruct button while other people seem to be so grounded and focused? You don’t actually expect me to answer that question do you? Okay then, my own belief is that it is all to do with upbringing, your closest friends and the environment you live in. All these factors can make a huge difference to our reality we experiences in our everyday lives. In my experience of teaching thousands of individuals and families in the Tao (The way) of martial arts, the people that are successful and get on with life without the fuck it switch are the ones that have a loving family background, have mixed with good friends and don’t have many “issues”. Now this may not sound too PC and I’m well aware that I’m not the most PC person in the world but this is just in my own experience. Having a fuck it switch is not necessarily a bad thing . People like me may have a lot more to give because I’ve done things the hard way however the individual that hasn’t struggled may also has a lot to teach as they may save you a lot of heartache and pain. We are all different, have trodden different paths and all have something to offer. My general thoughts are that it is only wrong or harmful if your heart is in the wrong place and you are hurting other people!
So can we improve ourselves and control our fuck it switches?
Yes of course and as usual it boils down to awareness and the willingness to change. One statement that I hate, which I have been guilty of saying myself is “Well this is just the way I am” No its not! can you imagine a 10 year old saying that and not wanting to change!! We can all change, okay if I was 89 years old, you have to be realistic, you may not be bothered to want to change by then but for the majority of us, we can change and very quickly too. There is always a trigger that happens before we say “fuck it” and quite often, it depends if its getting in the way of what you want. I must admit, that most of my fuck it switches involved alcohol. I am quite happy to let off steam and have a bit more to drink than I should but it is when it affects the next 2 or 3 days then the problem arises. Its probably an age thing so at some point in your life you have to think about growing up.
Fear of Success!
This is another one of my theories, over the years I looked at when I have had my fuck it moments which don’t always involve alcohol, it can be over-spending, drugs, procrastination or anything that is going to direct you a way from where you know you want to go. I believe that a lot of my own Fuck its have come from fear of success. That term has only been around my own vocabulary in the last years as I have had a lot of coaching on myself. Its a hard concept to take in, why would anybody who works so hard have an underlying fear of being successful. The reason is quite simple when you look into it but the answers could be many. How many times have you said, heard or judged somebody with money? If someone drives down your street in a Lamborghini or a convertible brand new BMW, what are your first thoughts? Is it “fair play that person must work well hard”? or is something a long the lines of “rich bastard”? okay, you may not have thoughts quite like that because you are a nice person but be honest with yourself what would your initial thoughts be? The media is brain washing us all the time, you see the rich and successful as dick heads if I’m honest so your subconsciousness is going to say I don’t want to be like that! My truth is different now, I have mixed with pretty successful people, the ones I have met are fantastic people that are always putting others first and are so generous with their time and money. Before anyone says, success shouldn’t be measured with money. I’m well aware of that, it was just an example. What I am saying is, if you are not where you want to be in life, it is your subconscious holding you back because of deep underlying beliefs.
Should you be trying to delete your fuck it switch?
This all depends on they are affecting your life, I was talking to one of my coaches a few months back we came to the conclusion that I have had a lot of Aha moments when I have fuck it moments. I even have a Fuck it Friday video blog on one of facebook pages. The reason being is that a fuck it moment, might just be me throwing my toys out the pram and going for a long walk because of a technical issue with the computer. it doesn’t have to involve drinking yourself to oblivion. So we need to program ourselves to have a fuck it switch that is going to serve us positively, after all too much focusing on goals and dreams can end up pretty tiring in itself. Basically if you have the type of personality that you can relate to this blog, we need to take healthy breaks.
I’ve always thought I’ve got an addicted personality, now adays I’m not really sure if that is the correct wording but I do throw myself into everything I do. To me its about getting addicted to the things that empower me, like my businesss, fitness etc but also realising that I need to give myself breaks and not beat myself up when I do relaspe into old habits. They say that a habit takes just 21 consecrute days before its embeedded into you, I’ve also heard 28 days too so it must be something around that. A lot of our bad habits we have been doing for years. Awareness is key, if yor not aware of your weakeness, then you can’t work on them.
Being a martial arts teacher, people look up to me and want to follow in my foot steps. Its not an easy task being a leader for an introvert like myself that has had many set backs along the way. I have to think long and hard about what I put out there because people do read my stuff. Even the tittle of this blog post I am worried about but to me it is important to be honest and in the real world, people do swear and make mistakes. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling like Jekyll and Hyde because I’ve studied martial arts nearly all my life and then not lived the perfect disciplined lifestyle; yep I have screwed up from time to time and that makes me human. As I’ve said before and what I’m always saying in my classes, we are allowed to make mistakes, its how we learn.